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  • Writer's picturelifexploratrice


Updated: Aug 31, 2022

In August 2019, something spectacular happened. All illusion dissolved, to make way,


What was always true,

Since the dawn of time,

What the voice, in the ear and heart whispered since early childhood,

"You are not of this world. Look closely at this illusion, pierce its secret, find who you are."

Before my eyes, in a few minutes, out of time and space, all the existential questions were unveiled. Answering: what is death, what is life, how was it created, what is God, what is not (de facto), why is life there, what is illusion and so many other aspects.

If someone tells you or you tell yourself that you have experienced unity, it is highly likely that this is not really the case yet, that it is a degree of consciousness and not a 100% experience. Spoken unity is a belief, a word like any other. Seek its experience.

To do this, the body must dissolves (it is not you who dissolve it, haha, I am telling you what happens during this realization), you no longer have a body, no longer have any vision or awareness of it, you no longer have thoughts, they are no longer you. There is no more you, no more you to say: "I am realized, I am enlightened". These sentences are meaningless. Fear, desires, suffering, doubts, people, are unknown concepts. You are in everything and everything is not you. Immortal. Death, an illusion.

- This revelation can also occur through psychedelics. However, not going through them is something to contemplate -

On the other hand, it is called an after experience. However, it is not an experience but a realization. Beyond description.

Gurus in the original sense of the word live in this realization permanently, unlike in this story. Here we are talking about Samadhi Savikalpa (I am basing myself on the definitions of Yogananda and Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj). It is the same distinct realization because of its temporary character. That is to say that degree by degree the identification is re-established.

What you should know is that even a guru has a degree of identification left. Because without identification, the body simply dies haha. A Guru will have a minimal degree of identification, just enough to stay in 3D.

I leave you with the story of this experience written on a doc two years later that I thought I'd share as an ebook:


In late 2019, something overwhelming, totally, unconditionally transcendent, transformative happened to me. I've said very little about it so far, or even just hinted at it, and you may understand why.

Now that I have more distance and knowledge on the subject, I feel like sharing it with you.

In a previous article, I wrote "4 days alone and everything changes" where I explained the notion of identification with thoughts, illusion and revelation, but in a rather indirect way, in metaphor, in poetry... Today I am going to give you the context, to describe the scene in detail, as much as possible (you will see that we are moving away from the conceptualizable). And know that I do it because it relieves me to share it in a random way and also in the hope that it helps you or someone else if they find themselves in this situation. Because until this year (2021) I had never heard of this.

Teachers, spiritual Guru's, texts mention it but do not provide details about it. I suspect among the latter to be unclear about their experience. Not to specify if they live it non stop or if it is their cellular and mental memory following a Samadhi of this kind. For it remains a truth, it remains alive in us, realized but not as much as the revelation itself, not as much as if all illusion of identification was dissolved.


I was in a room between four walls, alone. A mattress had been provided for me to rest at night and to sit on during the day. To my left was a simple gray desk on which I had placed my challenge sheets, my yoga classes and my notepad.

- Forgive me if all the information is not accurate, I am transcribing this from memory over a year later.

I remember coming back from my walk and meditation, near a canal, not far from the apartment. A 30 minutes walk, it seems to me. Being totally alone (the first time in my life) it was easy to be aware of all the thoughts that were going through my mind almost every minute or second. (Disclamer: no time to give you all the context but I was "working" on it for a while). They seemed much heavier and sticky than usual.

My routine was methodical, contemplative rest (lots of that), meditation, practice, outing, rest, cooking. I was at the point of meditating while sleeping (I'll come back to this aspect, practice; on another occasion).

Then one evening, I was watching a video for the first time in days related to illusion, the real (I won't give you the title of the video nor the practices I was doing because I wouldn't be doing you any favors to think that they were the cause of this revelation).

In contemplation, concentrated, my heart began to race.

- There are two types of shift signs that I know of (in my experience) the one of deep meditation/presence, in which case the breathing becomes almost non-existent, and conversely when an experience/perspective is ready to jump out at you, your heart can then start beating loudly, your breathing becomes louder as well.

Anyway. Sitting on the mattress (legs relaxed), at some point, something, makes me stand up.

From then on, I can't use the notion of time anymore because it disappeared completely. The only thing I can think of is that of an incredible speed, faster than the speed of light, a cosmic speed, elusive, incalculable by the earthly realm.

I remember being super mega alert (Dhyāna) before this shift. That all my attention was on one thing, thoughts. All other perception was in OFF mode (there is a Sanskrit term that describes this: withdrawal of the senses Pratyāhāra). There were only the thoughts and nothing else. Nothing, but really nothing else. It can be illustrated by: thoughts and blackness all around. No body, no thinking self etc.

- Then I can't describe it to you because it was no longer part of the realm of thoughts. There was such a concentration and willingness that the last identifications were completely dissolved.

The shift "happened", again I specify that the notion of before and after is not relevant here because it does not exist, while I had just stood up. So I was standing up.

- The following part cannot be described by words. They have their own function but certainly not the description of Reality. Because the latter cannot be described, but only realized. A tool that is part of this Reality cannot therefore transcribe it. It is part of it, therefore it is only an element among the latter. An element does not seize, by its jurisdiction, the global view and can even less live it, realize it. One can pass through this element to make a passage but then at the moment of transition the element is no more. There is a lot of knowledge, understanding that came out of this moment that I share from time to time more or less detailed knowing that some subjects are perhaps not very public.

Then, there was a moment when I was told: "Now you are going to come back in your body (identification with the body). I understood that my body was not energetically ready to shift in this way. I also understood that to remain non-stop like that my body would no longer have any interest and therefore would probably die from the earthly point of view. This was done very gently, super chill and in a very healthy, very natural way, finger in the nose, welcome home, long time no see, finally "me". While listening to the info, I felt the I coming back, the identification with the body, the sensations etc.

I can't tell you how long it lasted, you'll understand why in a moment.

Finally, I was super grateful to be shown this. I also think I caught that "they" decided that I was ready to shift (the moment I was up). The "I" and its will did not produce this experience... I try to say it in the words I have but it's challenging to describe.

Don't put too much weight on what you read, it's really very minimal compared to the given moment.

Like a leaf dancing in the wind among all existence, planet and universe.

- I write "I was told". Listen. I don't know how to explain this "they". I can of course give you a theoretical, conceptual explanation, but that is not the point of this story.

If you catch yourself making conclusions, please come back to your breath and openness, detached.


I still have many details and understandings to share from this "moment" but let's go slowly. Now comes the interesting part (to the surprise of mystical, existential seekers). For not much shared or described by sages, spiritual masters.

Maybe at this point in the story you think it's over. We had a before and a transition, a return YET here is the subtility of the thing.

The return was realized at a very low level of identification. So, it's a bit like being still without form but with awareness and understanding of the form (what is perceived), of its meaning, of its place etc. With a clear perception of the tools of the ego and its unreality. It was as if I had my feet in both realms at the same time. The body, the I, You was there in the only function to remain at least on this dimension, frequency. Well, said like that, it seems very dualistic but of course it was far from it. In short. Difficult to mix the conceptualizable of the non form and all forms and both at the same time and beyond* and none of that, when you go through the words.


I also felt that my cells had completely been renewed, modified. That they were still vibrating the cosmic (no better word) amount of energy. As if they had memorized the thing.

So it wasn't over, so to speak, it was super super on. Only the "earthly" plan was integrated into it. So, super wow. Because your understanding of things is mega-lucid on many levels. You clearly distinguish (from memory, it made me laugh a lot, I felt a lot of Joy, a great calm, a serenity, a clear understanding) the illusory character from the Real. You understand/see the sometimes subtle meaning of texts, words of sages or others, words, teachings and their (universal) origin.

I took the opportunity to create The Game (I wrote down all the steps in my notebook, in case it would become less clear afterwards - good precaution haha). A week passed in which I was still "in", in the limit between manifest and xyz (not nomable). Then I understood the extent of what it meant to be "back" in the body.

Only my cells were still living it, my memory too, but the identification was coming back little by little, becoming more and more dense. Certainly to a rather low degree but still.

This allowed me to share all that I could and all that I still can (mainly in an indirect way during courses via energy, frequency or sometimes directly if the context lent itself to it) and to keep a different understanding of things.

It seems to me that there are other "effects" as a result of this, but just as it is difficult for me to relate the repercussions of meditation practice in everyday life, it is also difficult for me to know exactly what has changed, and in what way. I don't have a clear before-and-after marker in my brain. - Although sometimes I can become aware of it when someone shares their observations with me.

Post-"experience": the return to normal?

From the "return" to the illusory I naturally started to give lessons, to my mother, to friends. I remember that they were super hardcore for people who knew nothing about it. I think I ended up saying: "you are not the body, nor the thoughts" haha now I have the ability to address to each person differently, proposing steps according to the degree of openness, knowledge etc.

When I finished my studies, it was clear to me that I wanted to dedicate myself to Yoga. Anecdote: when I received the answer in a meditation (5 months before) concerning my choice of life: to work in a company, management or to dedicate myself to Yoga, the answer was Yoga but not "Yoga teacher" necessarily. It was only after this experience that it took this form, that it went from studying to sharing.

Towards the end of the internship in a Parisian yoga center an opportunity arose. There would be a university financially accessible for "young people" and dedicated to the teaching, to the "art" of Yoga. They would train teachers among others. My intention being to dedicate myself to it, it seemed to me perfect, in the idea. Far from the city with the opportunity to completely immerse myself in my practice. I packed my bags, decided, and went there already sure of my choice. Too many signs, too many coincidences had preceded this step.

Well, in short, because it is another story, it did not go as planned. Very intense and hard experience in every way. I learned a lot of things. After three months, it is more than urgent to return to Paris. It is from there that the chronic headaches start and will last for several years (still today, at the time of writing in May 2021). It was a difficult experience to digest, with a few traumas here and there, as one likes to do, but I did not let myself be defeated. I have a vision and I am determined to act on it.


Until the day when I felt that the cellular memory, rather indicated, started to disappeared.

The catastrophe.

I am back to the starting point. At point 0, 0, 0. I feel like I have to start all over again. I am questioning my teaching. I am not sure if I should be going in the direction, socially dedicated, to Yoga etc. anymore.

The mess.

It is at this moment that I opened myself to my mother and told her what I have just shared with you. Explaining to her my doubts, and where I was at (fortunately she didn't think I was crazy). It felt good. It was the first step towards the process, which I will call healing. At the same time, I urgently started to search knowledge on what happened to me. Until then I could not write as I do now because it had no reality, no interest (writing like this).

Thoughts came back gradually. They were very limited. For almost a year the only thoughts that came up were speeches, ideas related to Lifexploratrice's project. How to articulate concepts, how to explain them, how to evoke them.

Now, imagine that you are working on a project and that without any effort your thoughts are also working on it, are you going to be alarmed by saying to yourself: "Wow, you have to come back to the moment, not listen to them etc. (yogi practice)? No, because you think they are mega useful and aligned with what you are doing, you see. That's how I understood what a teacher, Mooji, meant in one of his meditations: "that thoughts are doing everything to survive and that at a certain moment when the most insignificant ones disappear, they transform themselves in such a way that you don't notice them, or by becoming very subtle".

I was aware of all this at the time, of the whole process. All the reflections that I am sharing with you were not post-experimental discoveries. They were already present during the experience. It is the time to step back and put it all down on paper.

It is at this moment that I discovered that it was a Samadhi Savikalpa. Whhaaaaat. But whhhaaat. Nobody told me that you could have a Samadhi that lasts more than a year (the time that all the identification came back)! Because experiencing the "after trip" alone, in confusion, was not very pleasant.

I willll let you read on the subject. Quickly, the difference between an awakening and a Samadhi Savikalpa is that the "content" / "experience" is the same but the duration is different. One is permanent, the other momentary.

From that point on, I was able to accept the thing, to consciously digest it. I make the decision to start all over again, as if I had to learn to walk again."

This is one part of the story, without the knowledge and understanding that came from this experience in particular. However, everything in its own time.

The period of confusion has now softened. It is possible that this is why I am sharing it now and not when I wrote it. Preferring to let things mature a bit.

I hope that this reading was interesting, that it can help you.

Maybe I will share with you more information about the existential questions that were answered, the notion of God, life, death, etc. Knowing that some of them arise spontaneously, depending on the context. Knowledge is infinite.

(ps: I have already written quite a bit on these subjects but don't feel like sharing them yet).



- Marie Mazeau Yoga teacher in Paris and online internationally. Beyond time and space. Guiding with gentleness, mindfulness and Joy.


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